Where did it go? No Forreal please tell me where is it because I haven't felt anything magical about the holidays since 2013. Which was the last year I even felt something I was 21 and still had a some what's innocent mind. Christmas is dead, I tried everything this past month to feel something and felt nothing at all. I'm just depressed, It's 3 days before Christmas as of writing this blog and I am not excited at all. 10 years I've been chasing that feeling again and nothing I do ever brings it back.

I'm trying to feel like it's the holiday. I'm seeing the lights and trees and the hustle and bustle of everyone out and about, I'm hearing the music and still feel.......... nothing :( It's just nothing. I want to feel something but the magic truly is gone. I had tiny bit of the spirit at the beginning of December then poof! Gone!. I've tried everything, Looking at old Christmas Commercials I grew up as a kid in the 90s and early 2000s and trying to put myself in the mindset of being young kid again and nothing. I've tried listening to Christmas music and mixes and again nothing. I want the magic back

I feel like maybe this is just trauma from the past decade with dealing with so much shit in my life plus the way of the world. We can't go a week without a disaster happening or the looks like it's all about to come to an end at any moment and any semblance of comfort or peace we have in our homes and lives are just gonna be snatched from under us and we will just die cold scared and homeless. I don't want anything for Christmas, but the magic back. I don't want to see Family I don't want things because nothing coming out excites me anymore. What is it gonna take to get it back?

Sorry for those who are having it hard this holiday. I don't mean to bring down the mood to anyone who is trying to enjoy the holiday that's not my intention it's just I want to enjoy this holiday again like I use to many many moons ago. Maybe one day.